Surgery for Me

On February 6, 2008, I will go under the knife for the first time in my life to have at least one large uterine fibroid removed. This sucker has been a thorn in my side ever since I became pregnant with my last child 8 years ago. It reared its ugly head during my pregnancy and after many years of ponderance, I have decided to have it removed.

This thing is the pits. I have long periods, heavy bleeding that brings me to the brink of anemia every month, painful cramping and lower back pain that only goes away one week out of the month. The quality of my life is waning due in large part to this fibroid. I have had many a vacation ruined because I have stained the sheets or felt too cruddy to join in the activities. The mental depression and anguish caused by this is both embarassing and debilitating at times. I should have done this sooner.

Although I am confident in my decision to have this fibroid removed, I am not without my very real concerns and fears. Being the size that I am will make this surgery more difficult for the surgeon and for myself. The surgery will be performed abdominally, but not at my pantyline. There will be a vertical incision made near my belly button. This means a longer recovery and more pain. Yippee for me.

I am very aware of the possibility I will not fare well from this surgery and I must say that scares the hell out of me. Leaving my children without a mother seems cruel and sad. But living a life without fullness and avoiding activities with my family seems crueler. I have already told my husband he has a year to grieve if he loses me, then he must find a mother for my kids.

My children I hold more closely as the day of my surgery draws nearer. For them, I want to appear confident and fearless. Inside I am on the brink of tears knowing I may leave them for good. I want them to live a full life without regret and knowing that their mother loved them with every cell in her body. I want them to achieve their own greatness, whatever that may be, and know that I was always proud of them, even if I didnt tell them that often enough. They are my life and live in every breath I every took.

My husband was my best friend whom I could tell anything to and I was lucky to have such a loving, giving and patient man in my life. He was the rock of this family, despite my being the hammer oftentimes. His love for me never faltered and I feel such a deep love for him even when I can't stand him. He always made me feel good about myself and about our relationship. I love him so and always will.

Carry on, I say as I near my date with destiny. I am scared, but hopeful that I will come through this with a better perspective on life and the ones I love. Dream. Live. Be. I am with you always.